


And I have loved you anyway

by subak_jumokbap



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Begin Again movie inspired, Bittersweet Ending, Boyfriends, Break Up, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Musicians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28429026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subak_jumokbap/pseuds/subak_jumokbap
Summary: Renjun has been trying his best but at the end, it all comes down to this: the apartment is ridiculously huge and it will never feel like home until Jisung is.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	And I have loved you anyway

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mythological](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythological/gifts).



> for my dear mina (maybe). Ive been keeping this in the dungeon for months and im finally letting it free. Heres some lovely angst (its more bittersweet than angsty imo) for you <3
> 
> Inspired by the movie 'begin again' but you dont have to watch it to make sense of the fic. Shoutout to toast for willingly sitting in a fire with me im sorry (i dont regret it tho) and i love you.

The sky is overcast outside the cafe and Renjun imagines it to be chillier now than it was before. He sees pamphlets swirling about the sidewalk, slapping themselves against people’s feet and the umbrella stands outside vibrating from the sheer force of the wind. Grey clouds are rolling overhead warningly like the approach of a marching platoon but Renjun remains unfazed. One look at the sky tells him it isn’t going to rain— it’s the typical gloom that comes and passes, that makes kids grumble about being forced to bring umbrellas out and worries people enough to make them bring their laundry in. A bluff, a trick that preys on concerned mothers and prudent clothesline owners. 

Renjun sits in the comfort the familiarity of the cafe provides, automated warmth greeting him more heartily than the waiter does. He takes no offence— the crowd from the prior peak hour must have been horrid to deal with. He sits at his usual spot as he waits for Jisung to arrive, silently grateful for the lack of flutter in the cafe. He had ordered a slice of chocolate cake for Jisung, remembering how much Jisung used to enjoy them and a cup of tea for himself. He sips his drink quietly and glances at the time shown on his phone screen. Jisung is fifteen minutes late but Jisung’s tardy reputation is one that Renjun has gotten used to. He waits patiently and when Jisung finally comes in with his cap pulled down over his face, Renjun raises a hand and waves out of habit. He belatedly realises he doesn’t have to— they never sit anywhere else whenever they’re here, and they used to come here all the time before they moved. Jisung looks at him from beneath the brim of his cap and offers a warm smile. Renjun smiles back.

Jisung comes to the table and Renjun stands to accept the embrace Jisung offers. Jisung squeezes him and it makes a short laugh tumble out from his lips. He kisses Jisung’s cheek like he always does, and Jisung gives him one in return. They take a seat opposite each other, and he takes Jisung in. He hasn’t seen Jisung outside of his phone and TV screens in a while. 

The lack of a crowd isn’t able to persuade Jisung to take his cap off and Renjun’s too used to the look now that he almost forgets about a time when Jisung and him used to come here in stained shirts and unkempt hair. A lot has changed since Jisung’s last been here.

Jisung exhales as he settles in his seat. He folds his arms on the table as he takes in Renjun’s face. He tilts his head a little and smiles genuinely. “I’ve missed you a lot.”

Renjun laughs. “I’ve missed you a lot too.”

“I haven’t been here in so long. They’ve changed the posters behind the cashier,” Jisung notes.

Renjun hums, cupping his hand around his cup to steal whatever heat remains to warm his fingers. “They’ve only changed it a few weeks ago.” Unlike Jisung, Renjun’s been coming to the cafe a lot more now. “The last time I came here Jaemin wouldn’t stop going on about how it was a waste of money. He thinks they’re ugly.”

“I don’t expect anything less of him,” Jisung remarks amusedly. “How is he?” 

“He’s been busy. Wrapping up an album for a newbie the past weeks, you know how it is.”

“Sounds really exciting,” Jisung notes, sounding a little excited himself. Renjun tells him it is and that Jaemin hasn’t stopped relaying his anticipation for the album’s finish over dinner every night. 

Jisung rests his head in his palm as he listens. He lets his eyes roam around the cafe during a comfortable pause in their conversation. “Remember when we used to spend hours in here? We came down here at least four days a week,” he remarks casually, a fond expression to match the tone of his voice.

They really did used to come down all the time when they lived in the area. They’d get the cheapest cup of coffee, sometimes allowing themselves a dessert, and they’d busy themselves the whole day with music in their ears and ink stains on their palms. Before Jisung signed the deal to have his song featured in a movie which would set him off on an incredible path later on, they had spent hours listening over the melodies they finished up together through shared earphones, coming up with lyrics to go with the tune. Jisung would contribute completely nonsensical ones, and it used to annoy the life out of Renjun, which had been exactly what Jisung was aiming for in the first place. Jisung would laugh and kiss him to make up for it. And Renjun would always yield a little too easily.

It was here too when Jisung got the call about the success of his first deal.

_It’s ten at night, and the cafe closes in half an hour. A call shouldn’t come at a timing so late, but the fact that it did only adds to the incredulity of the situation. It renders both of them into a nervous mess. Renjun’s moved his chair right next to Jisung for the very reason of sticking his face on the other side of Jisung’s phone. Jisung nudges Renjun’s head away with his own and Renjun nudges back which only makes Jisung scowl at him, mouthing an ‘ow’ that Renjun suppresses a cackle at. Renjun sticks their cheeks together and tries to pick up the voice on the other end of the call. While he’s usually patient, he finds that it’s hard to be when it comes to something big like this, an opportunity that had come to Jisung like a bolt from the sky._

_Renjun furrows his brows, unable to make out a single word on the other side but Jisung can and he’s responding to whatever it is that Renjun can’t hear._

_“You’re not joking?” Jisung says into the phone. “This is crazy. I don’t know what to say.”_

_Renjun’s heartbeat picks up, a thundering rhythm in his chest. He detaches himself from the side of Jisung’s face and chooses to keenly watch Jisung’s reaction. Jisung grins at him when he sees him all nervous but Jisung puts a finger on his own lips to motion for him to be silent. Renjun bites his lips and shakes his leg anxiously._

_Jisung lets out a flustered laugh, a melody that feeds Renjun’s anticipation. “That’s great! Tomorrow at ten, got it. Thank you so much!”_

_The call ends, and Jisung puts the phone faced down on the table, a meaningful exhale leaving his mouth. Renjun thinks he’s going to go crazy waiting. Jisung makes it harder by taking his time as he runs a hand through his hair, the way he does when he’s flustered, making it a bigger mess than it already is. But that’s fine, Renjun will fix his hair for him later; there’s a more pressing matter at hand. Renjun whines at Jisung’s silence and Jisung finally gives in. Jisung looks at him with a shine in his eyes so bright that Renjun knows in that moment he will never forget this look on Jisung’s face._

_“They want it,” Jisung tells him breathlessly. His smile stretches wider and his excitement tumbles out with his words. “They want my song in the movie!”_

_Renjun’s hands fly up to cover his mouth to stop himself from yelling, happiness exuding out of him like a river gushing through an opened dam. “No way. No way! I can’t believe it!” He looks at Jisung earnestly. “Oh my god. Shut up!”_

_“About this?” Jisung laughs and the sound of it makes Renjun dizzy. “Never.”_

_Renjun’s smile stretches so wide and it only feels right to throw his arms around Jisung’s neck and feel Jisung’s arms come to wrap around him tightly. He laughs into Jisung’s shoulder when he realises Jisung isn’t going to let him go anytime soon._

_“Congratulations,” he says softly. He kisses below Jisung’s ear and Jisung sighs into his hair. He squeezes Jisung before he pulls away. He cups Jisung’s face with both his hands. With a grin on his face, he says, “Let’s get out of here.”_

_Jisung is the one pulling him out of the cafe, and Renjun doesn’t know why, but they’re running down the street giddily, trying not to stumble over their own feet. They narrowly miss bumping into bodies and streetlights and when Renjun’s hand almost slips away, Jisung catches it and locks their fingers together. The sky is dark but everything else is alive and they’re both pumped, adrenaline rushing through their veins._

_The night is young and the world is theirs._

_“Where are we going?” Renjun laughs, letting Jisung tug him aimlessly further down the street. “Where are you taking me?”_

_Jisung whips his head back, a flush on the high ends of his cheeks. His hair sings with the breeze and his smile claims Renjun’s heart effortlessly. “I don’t know! Anywhere! Everywhere!”_

_And everywhere is where Jisung takes them. They go as far as their feet can bring them and they start by taking over the city. Fingers laced, music shared from Jisung’s phone, ice-cream dripping down the side of their palms. There’s not a care they can offer as they dance to music only they can hear, skipping on the sidewalk, funny dance moves passed back and forth, footsteps that look fancy only to them but silly to everyone else. They spin under flashing billboards, and the piercing artificial lights of boutiques, and restaurants illuminate a different colour on every surface of their faces. Renjun watches Jisung dance past buskers. Jisung laughs when Renjun dances at traffic lights. A ballad croons in their ears as they leave the city behind, and Jisung makes the most dramatic faces at the most emotional parts. Renjun thinks he looks incredibly stupid, and he doesn’t think twice to join him. Their antics insult the silence of the park they choose to conquer next but they’re too swept in their own world to care, bound by nothing and seizing everything. Renjun likes to think the air in the park shifts and adjusts to them, an understanding and a welcome. Renjun closes his eyes and smiles in thanks and he wishes he feels like this all the time._

_The lamps provide a friendly yellow glow as Renjun walks past them. He’s balancing on a raised concrete slab where he’s sure elderly couples sit and feed pigeons in the day. Jisung holds his outstretched hand even though the risk of him falling is unlikely. But he likes holding Jisung’s hand and Jisung likes holding his._

_The music in their ears stops abruptly and Renjun stops walking as well, frowning as the mood dies with it. Jisung makes an apologetic face and checks his phone. It doesn’t light up. He smiles sheepishly up at Renjun who throws his head back and sighs._

_“Hey, come on, it was fun while it lasted,” Jisung urges as he gingerly circles Renjun’s wrist and rubs up his forearm to placate him._

_“So now both our phones are dead,” Renjun remarks harmlessly, staring at Jisung._

_“So what? The night isn’t!” Jisung laughs, and it’s the best sound ever, no matter how many timeless hits or classics Renjun’s listened and danced to the whole night. Jisung grabs Renjun by his waist and lifts him off the concrete slab, doing a little spin which makes Renjun let out a scream in surprise before Jisung puts him down. Before Renjun can show his displeasure, Jisung leans in and kisses him, a firm hand on his jaw, another warm one at the back of his neck. Renjun indulges too easily and kisses Jisung sweet and slow. He smiles and it makes Jisung laugh, and then Jisung is pulling him into an embrace. Jisung squeezes him tight like how he likes it._

_“Thank you,” Jisung murmurs into his ear, swaying him gently in his arms._

_Renjun doesn’t ask what for. He understands because he’s just as thankful for him. Jisung’s been there with him through the years, writing songs together in a make-shift studio in their little apartment, writing lyrics on coffee-stained notebooks in the cafe, waking each other up into a random jamming session in the early mornings because an idea just had to strike them at that hour. Jisung is his muse as much as he is Jisung’s, and he’s thankful for everything they’ve endured through together. Even for their own individual projects, they still gave each other support in every possible way. He’s so immensely proud of Jisung for getting the deal and he knows that he is as big a part of Jisung’s journey as Jisung is of his. He knows without a doubt Jisung would only grow bigger and he can’t wait to see it all happen._

_“All I did was endure you and tell you your lyrics were stupid,” Renjun hums._

_Jisung laughs lightly, kisses his temple and rests his head against Renjun’s. “Being with me is everything.”_

_Renjun’s heart swells and he lets out a fond laugh. “That is a horrible line. Never use it in a song.”_

“So,” Jisung starts, “what have you been up to while I was gone? I feel like you’re always ignoring my calls.”

“That is such a bold accusation. _You_ are the one who calls me at the most horrible timings,” Renjun points out. He fixes Jisung with a look, his lips curling up with no ill intent. “We’re not all stars on tour, some people are actually sleeping at five in the morning.”

Besides, Renjun always texts him after he wakes. He only gets Jisung’s replies hours later. It’s something he’s gotten used to.

Jisung gives a small laugh. “So I have sinned.”

“Obviously,” Renjun plays along. To answer Jisung’s question, Renjun says, “I’ve mostly been going over to Mark’s studio, banging pots and pans, screeching into a mic and calling it music.” Jisung raises a brow, and Renjun laughs to brush all that away. “I’ve actually just submitted a couple of songs I worked on with Mark for a client. I’m currently helping him produce his album for a company that seems interested in him. I’m working with him on most of the tracks.”

“He told me he was working on new music when I last talked to him over the phone,” Jisung says. “I didn’t know it’s for his own album. That’s really amazing.”

“It is,” Renjun agrees. “But he’s a mess to deal with when he’s anxious.”

“I can imagine.”

Renjun nods his chin towards Jisung. “And you? How was the tour? Did you collect coasters from every place like you wanted to?”

It was a joke. Words loosely thrown out on a night cuddled on the couch, exploring the galaxies of what ifs. _What if you wrote a song for Beyoncé?_ Renjun had laughed at the impossibility but answered, _I’ll ask her for free concert tickets for us_. He’d asked Jisung in turn what Jisung would do if he had a tour of his own. Jisung had eyed the coaster on the coffee table and his ridiculous answer made Renjun laugh. It was fun, it was pointless. It wasn’t supposed to actually come true. Renjun will never be able to write a song for Beyoncé— he knows what his limits are– but looking back, Jisung having his own tour shouldn’t have seemed impossible. He always knew Jisung was going to make it. It was only a matter of the right timing, the right opportunity, the right song. It was a silly thought to both of them then, but it started becoming more real when Jisung landed a song in a movie and more deals started coming in. Suddenly there were fans, and Jisung started being cooped up in a large fancy studio to produce his own albums and perform on real stages. 

Renjun wordlessly stayed with him and watched him by the sidelines. He stayed and he loved Jisung all the same. And it felt the same when they made music on the weekends Jisung tries to keep free. 

With the change that came to them like a whirlwind, they could stop being careful around cords and wires in their make-shift studio. They didn’t even have to _have_ a make-shift studio anymore. Now it’s all a faded memory, gone but cherished and Jisung’s gone from playing music with Renjun in a cramped space to singing his heart out to a stage he deserves in front of thousands. Somewhere along the way Jisung discovered a hidden dream of being on stage and sharing his name and his songs to the world. Renjun doesn’t stop being happy for him and he couldn’t be more proud that Jisung’s managed to achieve it in the length of time that he did. Any other musician would give up everything in their possession to experience the success Jisung has.

“Lets just say I’ve got a collection enough to open a small museum.”

“Impressive,” Renjun laughs. 

“How is Mark, really? I haven’t seen him in so long,” Jisung says wistfully. “He’s so busy writing songs that he doesn’t call me.”

“He really is busy writing songs,” Renjun informs but a sneaky smile creeps up on his face. “I didn’t tell you this but he misses you. He cries like a proud mom whenever your songs come up on his playlist.”

Jisung leans back comfortably and his chest shakes as he laughs. “Now I have something to tease him about.”

“You should visit him at his studio before you get back on tour next week.”

Jisung’s expression changes subtly but Renjun catches it. The idea of _we_ should visit him is not something Renjun thinks he’s comfortable to offer. Jisung doesn’t comment on it and only nods his head. “I should.” If things were different, Renjun would have offered to go together, but his schedule is packed: a new client had just contacted him three days ago, and he has a bunch of other things to deal with. 

And he thinks it’s better if Jisung goes alone anyway.

“We used to use his studio like it was ours,” Jisung brings up, a fond smile making its way back onto his face.

Renjun remembers. They were a handful to deal with. “He hated us so much.”

“No, it was all an act. He’s too shy to say he loves us,” Jisung laughs.

Renjun smiles and agrees. 

Mark was the only one among them who had a legit studio to work in back when they were all scraping by. They used to crash Mark’s studio together often enough that Mark got tired of being mad. When Jisung got his pay-check from the movie and deals that came with it, he’d refurbished Mark’s whole studio as a token of thanks and Renjun had been there when Mark saw it for the first time. Mark had been close to crying.

_“What the hell?”_

_Mark’s eyes are round when Renjun takes his hands off of them. Mark intakes a breath shakily and he’s rendered speechless. He looks at the new control panel, sees all his old equipment replaced with new, sleek and shiny ones. The new speakers are eye-catching where they sit grandly near the control panel, and Mark gasps so loudly that Jisung laughs at him._

_Jisung bounces on his feet, unintentionally clamping down on Mark’s shoulder a bit too hard from being too eager. “Do you like it? Do you like it?”_

_“Sung, this must have caused a fortune,” Mark says, still stunned as he takes in everything around him. Mark asks, stumped, if the mics in the recording booth have been replaced too. Renjun proudly tells him they have. Mark presses his temples and he’s still so bewildered that Renjun can’t help but laugh at him. Jisung does too._

_“It doesn’t matter how much it costed.You deserve this after all we put you and your studio through,” Jisung says with a delighted buzz to his tone. He hugs an arm round Mark’s shoulder and shakes him excitedly as if to tell him all of this isn’t a dream._

_“I can’t accept this?” Mark says, overwhelmed._

_Renjun spins around in Mark’s new chair in front of the control panel and grabs Jisung’s hand to stop himself. “You have to,” Renjun says, a little dizzy but he looks up at Mark with a pleased smile. “They said no refunds.”_

_“I know these things can be refunded,” Mark states flatly. He still looks so flustered that Renjun almost pities him. Mark turns to Jisung and pleads with him. “Let me buy you dinner at least, it’s the least I should do.”_

_“You don’t have to do anything for me in return,” Jisung emphasises, an upset expression on his face to tell Mark that it would really hurt his feelings. He’s still holding onto Renjun’s hand and he hooks their index fingers together. “Besides, I already have dinner plans with a pretty someone.” Renjun scoffs and Jisung smiles. “It’s cool. This is all yours now. We’ll be out of your hair just like you wanted.”_

_Mark sighs and concedes. He reaches out and ruffles Jisung’s hair. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think I’ll miss you two.”_

_Following Jisung’s signing to a reputable, well known record company, Renjun and Jisung have moved to a bigger apartment. While it’s further away from Mark’s and Jaemin’s, it’s closer to Jisung’s company which has a studio Jisung can call his. It’s all very exciting. The company has plans for him to release a full length album as his debut album and there are talks about so many fantastic opportunities that it’s dizzying to think about. The move doesn’t affect Renjun much if at all because he’s still working freelance and all he needs is a studio to run to. It used to be Mark’s and if not, he made do with their little make-shift studio in the apartment. Now, he can crash at Jisung’s studio freely and rightfully. It’s unbelievable._

_“I thought you hated us,” Renjun laughs. He stands, and Jisung lifts an arm for him to fit himself under before Jisung drapes it back over his shoulder. “But Jisung’s right. You deserve all of this.”_

_Mark’s eyes are watery and Jisung pouts, pulling Mark in and all of them are suddenly hugging. Mark laughs but his voice sounds wet, a telltale sign of an incoming sob. Mark pulls away, taking huge calming breaths and blinking up at the ceiling._

_Jisung pats Mark’s shoulder comfortingly and smiles at him. “We’ll leave you to admire your studio. Call me after you’re done crying. Meanwhile, I will be going on a dinner date,” Jisung announces with a grin. They bid Mark goodbye and Jisung hugs an arm around Renjun’s waist as they walk down the street. It’s chilly and Renjun snuggles in, relishing in the warmth Jisung offers. Jisung holds him tighter._

_“It was really nice of you to do that for him. I’m really proud of you.”_

_Jisung glances at Renjun and smiles amusedly. “You put the idea in my head.”_

_“I wasn’t actually serious,” Renjun remarks, but he’s glad that Jisung considered it seriously. Mark looked so happy._

_“It was a good idea anyway,” Jisung says sincerely. He kisses the top of Renjun’s head, and then his temple. “I hope you’re hungry.”_

_Renjun snuggles closer and grins up at him. “You bet.”_

Silence comes in as natural as the tide greets the shore, and Renjun welcomes it while he waits for it to fade again. He watches Jisung, wonders if he should speak now or wait to see if Jisung has anything he wants to say. Jisung takes the initiative and Renjun gives him the lead.

“I’ve been working on some new music while on tour,” Jisung provides. He fumbles for his phone in his pocket. “Tell me what you think?”

Renjun nods and reaches to take the phone and earphone Jisung offers. He listens alone, attentively paying attention to the tune while Jisung watches his reaction.

The music that greets his ears is familiar, but it is of one that has displaced another. It sounds like something a hit album would have, like something a crowd would enjoy. It’s distinct enough for Renjun to recognise it as Jisung’s works, distinct enough for him to remember that Jisung’s music didn't sound like this.

Renjun thinks their music tastes have diverged, among other things. But the song is notably very, very good and he thinks it will receive an amazing response when it debuts.

“I like it,” Renjun says honestly, sliding the phone across the table back to Jisung. “It sounds like something you would play at one of your concerts.”

“That’s a good thing, right?” Jisung asks with a weak laugh. He leaves the phone on the table. He arranges the little hairs of his bangs that’s sticking out from under the cap. He blows at them and it makes Renjun laugh. Jisung drums his fingers on the table contemplatively. “I’m playing at one of the clubs around here tomorrow as a favour to a friend. Why don’t you come?”

Renjun looks down at his lap and blinks at his fingers. He swallows dryly. “I’ll think about it.”

Quietly, Jisung asks, “Have you been back at our apartment lately?”

Renjun looks up to meet his gaze. He shakes his head. His voice comes out rough. “No.”

_The apartment is ridiculously huge._

_A loft apartment, company-owned, given to Jisung to live in for free to cut down his travelling time to and from the company. The bulk of the apartment is a spacious area equipped with fancy speakers, a ping pong table, a pool table and a couch thrice the size of their old one. The apartment holds a modern kitchen fixed with a wine refrigerator and up the staircase of the loft is a cozy space with beanbags, bookshelves and a king-sized bed. The apartment is probably four times larger than their old one. Standing in the midst of it all, they wonder how they managed to get by living three years together with all their equipment squeezed around them._

_Later, after they’ve fully exhausted their energies jumping around, smacking ping pong balls at each other and poking each other with cue sticks, they drag themselves upstairs and seek refuge on the enormous bed. They’re so used to squeezing together that there’s plenty of empty spaces around them. Renjun thinks about getting a cat to fill up all the spaces they can’t. Jisung’s always wanted one._

_Jisung’s head lays on top of his chest and he strokes slowly through Jisung’s hair. His other hand is occupied with Jisung’s and Jisung thumbs it, humming contentedly._

_“We can put so much equipment here now,” Jisung murmurs. He points downstairs. “A piano there, a guitar there, a keyboard there.” His voice trails off, like he’s almost falling asleep._

_Renjun continues combing through his hair, feels the strands falling softly between his fingers. “You already have a studio literally fifteen minutes away.”_

_“This is for_ us _. It’s to you know, mess around during the weekends, or in the early mornings, or whenever.”_

_“Whenever,” Renjun repeats like a question._

_Jisung laughs, a soft, peaceful smile on his face. “Whenever.”_

_Months pass and ‘whenever’ gets forgotten. They don’t adopt a cat because Renjun doesn’t manage to bring it up. They do have a beautiful baby grand piano, a keyboard and a number of guitars hanging around in place of the pool table and ping pong table. They set up a neat studio at the apartment which Renjun finds he prefers working at instead of Jisung’s studio at the company. The company’s studio is a little too big, a little too white, a little too… not him. But Jisung seems to like it just fine and he often comes home late, sometimes not at all. Renjun is no stranger to writing songs alone, but sometimes he prefers having some company. Jisung’s specifically. Days and nights pass and Renjun misses hearing Jisung singing and strumming the guitar, which is weird because that’s all Jisung ever does now. It’s just not like how it used to be._

_Sometimes, Renjun calls Mark and jokingly tells him to come visit so they can work on a track together. Mark would counter and ask him to come down instead. Jaemin calls him up every once in a while to check how he’s doing. The last call they shared, Renjun learnt that Jaemin’s deciding between moving out to a smaller apartment or finding a new roommate now that his roommate moved out. Renjun had wished him luck._

_Time passes, and Jisung earns his own tour, an exciting opportunity they had both celebrated with wine, music and silly dancing, just like old times. Renjun had kissed him then and told him how proud he was of him. Jisung kissed him back, sweet and gentle, and asked him to come on tour with him. Renjun kissed him again, an apology spilling out of his lips, work being his valid reason and cowardly excuse._

_A month goes by, phone calls and texts are exchanged the whole time Jisung is on tour. Jisung releases music on the road. Renjun listens to them and it’s always strange the first listen because it’s Jisung’s voice, but it doesn’t sound like him. Renjun doesn’t recognise the sounds created by Jisung’s hands anymore, but Renjun thinks it might just be him. Jisung sends him his first mini album before it gets released. He stays up all night listening to it, truthfully tells Jisung that it’s good, silently misses the music they used to do even if it was in a barely breathable space with semi-functioning equipment._

_With Jisung gone, the apartment is too much space to have alone, and even though Renjun fills every corner of it with melodies and harmonies, he can’t get used to the emptiness that was never supposed to be. He thinks about it sometimes, how Jisung never dreamt of being a star and how he dreams of nothing more than to be making music happily. Yet there Jisung is, and here he is._

_One morning, he texts Mark ‘meet me at your studio after noon’ on impulse. Afterwards, he calls Jaemin and makes the decision for him. Jaemin doesn’t have to contemplate between moving out or finding a new roommate anymore. Renjun packs his bags and leaves. In the cab, he calls Jisung who thankfully picks up and tells him he’s decided to work with Mark for a few tracks and that he’ll be staying with Jaemin for a while to make the travel easier. He doesn’t specify how long. Jisung sounds disappointed but tells him to have fun. Renjun knows Jisung can’t do anything about it but he tells him to come home soon._

_Renjun has been trying his best but at the end, it all comes down to this: the apartment is ridiculously huge and it will never feel like home until Jisung is._

Jisung’s chocolate cake remains untouched, and he offers it to Renjun. Renjun declines; he doesn’t really feel like eating either. His tea has gotten cold as well, and he pushes it aside.

He brings them into a more recent topic of conversation. “Where did you decide to put the trophy?”

Jisung rubs the back of his neck, a guilty look on his face. “At the company. They’re flaunting it off on display somewhere in the lobby, I think.”

Renjun widens his eyes. “Don’t you want to keep it? It’s your first big award.”

Jisung had won the hottest rising star of the year. ‘Underground Singer Turned World’s Favourite Artist Overnight’, news articles claim that critics predict a long-running career in the music scene. Magazines state that Jisung’s been receiving soundtrack offers left and right with endorsement opportunities piling at his feet. There are whispers promising a second tour to follow up the current one which hasn’t even ended yet. Like a star, Jisung shines. Like a star, he gets a little unreachable. 

“But I wouldn’t know where to put it,” Jisung says. 

Renjun knits his brows together. “There’s the shelf by the piano. It’s so bare, you can put it there. Or you could get a trophy cabinet and put it near the couch. It’ll fit in nicely.” Renjun’s sure this will be the first award of many. A trophy cabinet would be a wise investment. 

Jisung considers it with a meek smile. “Yeah, maybe. When the company’s done showing it off, I’ll keep it on the shelf. It does look a little empty.”

It’s not just the shelf, Renjun thinks. He squeezes his thighs and nods.

_The TV is turned on to the award show Jisung is attending. It’s airing live, and Renjun and Jaemin have set up their takeout on the coffee table to watch it while they eat dinner. Jisung’s invited Renjun to come with, but it’s all the way over there and Renjun’s work is here. It’s not only that, the award show has cameras and flashes and reporters and-_

_‘I’ll hold your hand, and you can hide behind me the whole time,” Jisung had said over the phone. “You can even skip the whole red carpet. Just be here with me.”_

_It wasn’t fair because he wanted Jisung here with him too. He didn’t mention it, he wasn’t selfish. Instead, he took in a breath, felt his stomach squirm. “It’s not really my scene, Sung. But I’ll watch it live, I promise.” The phone call had ended with Jisung being understanding like he always is and sweet goodnights exchanged._

_Renjun is nervous as he watches the award show. He imagines that Jisung must be feeling ten times more jittery than he is but that much more excited. An hour of performances and speeches passes, and Renjun gets restless waiting, but suddenly the host is announcing the name of the award Jisung is nominated for. Renjun’s heart pounds in his chest. The host’s words are a fuzzy mess to his ears and he watches as the camera pans to Jisung’s surprised face, delight and fluster painting a charming expression on him. Jaemin screams and his chopsticks fall off the table as he grabs Renjun in a flurry to envelope him in a hug. Renjun’s body sags in relief, freed from nerves and worry. He watches as Jisung rises from his seat, shakes the hands offered out to him and humbly nods his head in thanks and respect to the other awardees as he makes his way to the stage._

_Jisung smiles handsomely into the camera as he says his speech. He thanks Renjun specifically among a handful of other people, which earns Renjun a clap on his back from Jaemin. Renjun sends Jaemin a small smile and weakly shoves him away. He tears a little, pride and happiness consuming him._

_He watches, and watches, and watches. And his chest starts to feel a little tight seeing Jisung up on that prestigious stage, brights lights shining down on him. Jisung in his dashing suit, a grand trophy in his hand and a list of achievements to his name. Jisung fits being there perfectly, like the moment had been made just for him. Renjun realises slowly but with increasing clarity that Jisung had possibly been meant for this path all along, something they could only have learnt with time. A greater sense of relief overcomes him as he sees that there is where Jisung will always shine best, and where he will not._

_This is not what he has to fit himself into._

_This is Jisung’s path to take, and the reason why he had silently felt out of place was because he was. This isn’t his road to venture; he doesn’t shine under spotlights— he shines hidden in melodies he creates. They don’t shine in the same way they did anymore and he sees now that it’s okay, they don’t have to. Like he’s been submerged underwater a little too long, Renjun gets a gasping breath of fresh air and the muted sounds around him get louder, he sees things a lot brighter. He knows now where his place is, and he thinks he might be less lonely alone. And he’s still happy for Jisung, of course he is, but now... he thinks he can try to be happy for himself too. He understands the distinctness of his feelings: what they were before and what they are now. And it’s freeing in a terrifying and exciting way._

_He and Jaemin retreat to their respective rooms after the award show ends, and he stares at his phone as he waits for Jisung to call. Jisung must be buzzing with excitement, and Renjun couldn’t be happier for him. But he’s a little nervous too._

_“Hey!” Jisung greets him cheerily when their lines connect._

_Renjun smiles, sitting with his legs dangling off the side of his bed. “Hey hottest rising star of the year. Congratulations!”_

_“It’s crazy,” Jisung laughs breathlessly, and Renjun hears music in the background. Renjun imagines Jisung must be at some kind of after-party, and the fading of the background noises tells that Jisung must be navigating somewhere quieter to talk. “I almost thought I was imagining them announcing my name.”_

_“I was so anxious, but I knew you would win,” Renjun tells him honestly. He lets his smile show in his voice. “I’m so happy for you.”_

_“I wish you were here,” Jisung says easily. “It would have been better with you here.”_

_It would, maybe, but Renjun can’t help thinking maybe it’s better like this too._

_“Oh, good news! They’re giving me some time off, so I’ll be in town for a few days,” Jisung states._

_“So I can finally see your face in person?” Renjun jokes. “Tell me you’re not too busy to see me.”_

_“I’m not too busy to see you,” Jisung repeats with honesty to accompany it. “I feel like it’s been years since I last saw you. We should do something fun.”_

_Renjun feels the same. He misses him and can’t wait to see him, but there’s something important he has to relay to Jisung as well. He breathes in and calms himself, tells himself that it’s not as scary as he thinks it’ll be. He’s usually not selfish, but he does it for himself, just this once. He closes his eyes and pretends what he says next won’t mark the night a different colour for Jisung._

_“Hey, Sung?” Renjun swallows thickly. “I think we should talk too.”_

_There’s a passing moment of silence that Renjun doesn’t want to disturb. It takes a while for Jisung to speak again. When Jisung does, he sounds patient and calm, and above all else, understanding. It tugs at Renjun’s heart to think about how Jisung must be feeling right now and how despite everything wonderful happening around him, Jisung pushes it all away to put him first._

_“Yeah?” Jisung asks. Renjun detects kindness and affection in his tone and he realises, extremely belatedly, that Jisung has understood for a while. It dawns upon him that Jisung had been picking up the subtle underlying meanings behind his words and decisions that he hadn’t realised himself. Jisung’s learnt him well enough over the years to piece the little things together, and Renjun feels sorry that Jisung saw it all coming first before he did._

_“Yeah,” Renjun says quietly. “Not now though, tonight’s your night.”_

_“Not anymore, I don’t think,” Jisung jokes weakly. Renjun feels apologetic. Jisung lets out an exhale. “This weekend then? When I come back?”_

_Renjun hums his affirmation. He bites his lips. “Remember the cafe we used to go to all the time?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“I’ll see you there when you get back.”_

_“Sure,” Jisung says, and a terse pause follows. “Hey,” he says gently. “No matter what, I really do wish you were here.”_

_Renjun knows Jisung is sincere. “I know,” Renjun replies. He blinks at his feet. “And I’m really glad you’re there.”_ Living your dream and being the best version of you. 

_“I miss you,” Jisung says warmly. “I’ll see you in a few days.”_

_“I miss you too. Have a great night, Sung.”_

They’ve stretched out the time between them long enough. Jisung takes one look at Renjun and he knows it’s come down to what they’re actually here for. Jisung sends him a smile to assure him, and Renjun’s chest pangs because Jisung is trying to make this easy for him. Jisung is trying to make it easy for him to break up with him. He feels part sorry and part thankful. Jisung turns his palm up on the table and Renjun doesn’t have to think to reach across and slide his palm over Jisung’s. Jisung grips it tight, he always does, because that's how Renjun likes it.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung says. He doesn’t say what for, but Renjun understands. They both have some things they’re sorry about and even if they tried to right what they thought they’d been doing wrong, Renjun thinks all the paths would point them to this moment regardless. 

Renjun lets out a heavy exhale. “I’m sorry too,” he says. _That this couldn’t be forever._ ”You could tell, couldn’t you? You saw it coming way before I did.”

“I wasn’t sure until you moved out,” Jisung says. “I knew then there was a possibility of you not coming back.”

Renjun sees it as an act of selflessness. Jisung could have tried to stop him, to try salvage things in hopes they didn’t turn out the way they did. But Jisung didn’t because he can’t control how Renjun feels, and he knows it’s something Renjun has to discover gradually on his own. Renjun imagines things would have taken a more disastrous turn if Jisung had confronted him while he was still clueless of his own feelings. He’s grateful that Jisung hadn’t taken a step in that direction, that Jisung understands him enough to give him time to come to terms with himself and his emotions. Jisung till the end is and will always be ever so kind and understanding, and Renjun doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving that about him.

Jisung tries for a smile. “I didn’t want to put things in your head and confuse you while you were still figuring yourself out. I continued loving you just the same, because I do, and I waited for you to figure out if you still wanted this.”

Renjun doesn’t, and Jisung accepts it all admirably. “Thank you,” Renjun says, squeezing his hand. “I was a little lonely with you gone, I didn’t want to admit it at first. But I did eventually. And I realised I wasn’t happy doing what I love while you were out there doing what you love. I tried fitting myself into spaces that didn’t feel like me. But I think I’m starting to find myself and feeling the joy in making music again.” 

Things are still blurry, and Renjun doesn’t know if things will start looking up for him from here on, but he knows this is good for him. He knows he’s taking a step in the right direction— he’ll figure things out along the way. It’s good for them too. It must have taken a toll on Jisung as well, to have watched him struggle, all the while loving him unconditionally with the weight of a million things on his shoulders. 

“We had a lot of fun,” Jisung says, a genuine smile lighting up his face. “Didn’t we?”

Renjun laughs, but it’s a little choked, and he doesn’t know why he’s tearing up. He’s not sad, just a little thankful, a little relieved. “We did.”

“Time to go crazy and have fun all by myself from now on, I guess,” Jisung laughs, but it sounds choked too, and he ducks his head to hide his face.

“I’ll be sure to have the best time of my life too.” Renjun rubs Jisung’s hand with his thumb tenderly.

Jisung looks back up at him, and his eyes are a little watery, but Renjun has known him long enough to know that there isn’t any regret. Jisung still looks at him ever so fondly. “I would still love to have you come to my gig.”

“i’ll think about it,” Renjun promises. They keep the remaining chat short and Jisung eventually takes his leave. Renjun hugs him and Jisung kisses his cheek, hugging him back tightly just like always. Renjun watches as Jisung walks out of the cafe.

Renjun stays for a while longer to sit in his thoughts. When he leaves, he feels lighter than he’s been the past months. He has a melody stuck in his head on the way back and he works on it throughout the night.

The next evening, Mark and Jaemin go down to Jisung’s gig, but Renjun passes at the chance. They understand, having learnt about the breakup, but Renjun knows his relationship with Jisung will never go sour. Their relationship is intricate, beautiful in its complexity and depth, and it’ll last, this Renjun knows. And he knows as well that things don’t have to stay the same for them to continue cherishing each other. He will always love Jisung regardless. He loves him now in a different way than he did before, in a better way, he likes to think, that allows both of them to be happy. 

Renjun takes his phone and earphones on a walk alone around the city, skipping steps and tapping his feet to music only he can hear. He comes up with lyrics to the song he’d finished the previous night, and he strolls alone in the park, appreciating the breeze that harmonises with him. As he walks with his eyes closed and his hands in his pockets, he thinks about how Jisung’s achieved his own dream; no matter if it wasn’t a dream he had all along, and he thinks it’s time he achieves his own too. They’ll both shine, together but separately, and they’ll both be shining unconditionally bright.

**Author's Note:**

> i personally think Beyoncé would be blessed to have renjun write a song for her. title from Like A Fool (Begin Again Ost) - Keira Knightley. idk abt you but i personally think renjun got his happy ending. Sorry if its a little sad but hopefully my next rensung fic will make up for it! thanks for reading!


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